we're chasing vodka with high fives
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
