You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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