new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
