I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
