there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
