Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
