Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
