I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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