i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize