you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
