Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
You're earring is so big in my mouth
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
