Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
