I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
My ATM looks so different sober.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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