I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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