If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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