Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
