I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
