hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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