I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
