i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize