im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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