Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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