I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
