I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
