There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
