Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
