You really coming over, don't trick.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
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