I cannot find my penis.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
