Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
