Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
