I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
