I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Randomize