Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Randomize
