My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
