I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
God I need to hump something, right now.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
