youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
