I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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