I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
