The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
