i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
