I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
