Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
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