I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
