i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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