I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
