I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
