why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
