I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
