We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
