he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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